the quiet things that no one ever knows' Journal

2:50pm: a fresh start.

afreshcutflower (new livejournal) i've already added all of you.

love, emily

10:54pm: this one is for ashley
Apparently I don't update enough for the tastes of my loved one, Ashley.

Well, as for my last entry, Jason and I have talked since then, yes. Actually, when he called the next day, we talked for 4 hours. We needed to get everything on the table. It was very emotional, and very stressful, but it was also a LOT of progress. We're doing very well.

Last night was the Sum 41, Unwritten Law, Hawthorne Heights concert.

Hawthorne played first. They were pretty good, of course we were all hyped when they played "Ohio is for Lovers". Being the great ohioans that we are. :)

Unwritten Law was next, and like always.. they rocked the fucking house. It's a good thing, too, because the show was at Tower City Amphitheatre and we needed to be jumping around because it was only 40 degrees outside (and the amphitheatre is a peninsula, its all surrounded by water, so it was so fucking cold.

It took Sum 41 30 fucking minutes to set their stage up. I was annoyed already. It was 10 by the time they started playing, and he said "for the next hour and a half you mother fuckers are all mine" and my jaw hit the floor.. another hour and a half? A freaking 4 hour concert, what the hell.

So they started playing and they sounded amazing, i mean they were doing some kick ass instrumental spots, and their vocals were great... but i kid you not, Derek thinks he is GOD now, better than god, maybe.. because he stopped in the middle of songs, and after every song to make the crowd cheer,or talk.. there was so much down time with no performance that I was going nuts. So we only stayed for 45 mins of their show.. and probably only saw 6 or 7 songs in that 45 minutes..

I wont say it was a bad show, but if they would just have sang more.. oyyy.

All in all I had a great night, I went with my old friend from Lake Cardinal, Emily, her boyfriend chris, my friend Craig and his sister Sarah.

Today it was 75 degrees, and beautiful. Jason and I walked about 5 miles on the trails, and went to dinner and watched "bringing down the house" what a funny movie!!

Tomorrow my parents are having a cookout, then J and I are going to see the amityville horror. Should be fun!

Talk to ya all soon.

Love you.

2:37pm: wrist slitting party at my place, any takers?
I am extra emotional. I was so deeply saddened by the announcement that the Pope only had hours to go on Friday. I was finding strength in knowing that Jason and I would spend Sunday together. I find strength through that, all week long. All week, my heart aches waiting for him, and on Sunday, we can finally be together.

Yesterday, the Pope was called to Heaven and I was beyond devestated. It was his time, yes, but this is something I was not prepared for. Jason came over before work to give me a quick hug. Then he worked last night.

This morning he called me and said he was stuck in a snow drift (We had a snow storm on Saturday night, making this the snowiest winter in Ohio EVER). I told him to call me when he was out, or if he needed me.

He didn't call until after 12. His house had no power, his truck was still stuck, and when it was finally unstuck, all the roads are closed for power lines being down. He found a way to make it to his Mom's house, and he told me he would come out and be with me. I said okay, and to call me when he got to his moms.

He called and said he didnt think he could make it out here today. Now, the weather has been saying that it will clear up by 3 or 4 this afternoon, that the majority of the new snow will melt... I said "Whatever" and hung up.

I tried to call him back, but his cell was off, so I called his moms house. She gave him the phone, and I was crying and said "what changed so much in 20 minutes, that now you have no desire to try and make it to my house, or to try and see me... why cant you wait til later and see how it is before you completely write me off for the whole day"

He started yelling "How the fuck can I watch the news with no power, I havent slept in 24 hours" etc. I repeated that I just didnt know why he couldnt get some sleep, then try and make it out here.

He said "Fine, I'll call at 6 and see how it is" and I said "Dont do me any favors" he didnt talk and I said "Fine, Just stay at your moms, sleep there, or hang out with her, or whatever you want to do, that's fine... I'll sit home and cry alone, I'm used to it by now" and then he hung up.

He hasnt called back, I tried calling twice, he wont answer. He's probably sleeping, but now I've been crying for 2 hours and I am just so fucking miserable.

Sure, what I said was mean.. but I am used to crying every night alone now. It's not his fault, its just our situation, I miss him more than anything in the entire world, and on our only day together... the world fucks us over.

My heart feels so broken. I just want to crawl back into bed... only this time, I want him to crawl in with me. I hate not having him here to wipe my tears.

He's my source of love and protection, without him, I hardly even exist.

AGH I am so angry and sad and tormented and broken hearted and PATHETIC.

I will save this now, because I will go in to "repeat every stupid thing you just said" mode any second now.

10:04pm: i want it that way
I definately had 5th row center seats at the backstreet boys concert on Tuesday, and I am NOT even ashamed to admit it... how's that for slick.

I had so much effing fun. Me and Olivia used to talk about BSB alot. I missed them, and am glad they are back. One of my customers (i order my temps from them) gave me 2 free tickets. I took Apryl. It was so fun, and so nice to act 19 for once.

I miss talking to all of you. :/ I am lonelyy.

I am also exhausted, too much work.

I have to go to bed, plus, south park is on.

Good Night Sweetheartsss.

8:09pm: im a donor!
I am a first time blood-donor! It was so exciting.

I saw the blood drive on my way home from work (its at the red cross center, less than a block from my house) I mentioned it to my parents, and they said that I should eat dinner first, then go. So I chickened out, and they decided we would all go. Me, My Mum and Dad were ALL first time donors!

When we were waiting for them to take us into our little physical, my dad was like "When do I get the dirty magazines?" and me and my mum were laughing so freaking hard.. i was like "Dad, wrong kind of donor" and we just kept laughing.

Then when we were all in the room donating someone was like "It's a family affair" and I was like "Yeah, next time we'll just play scrabble" Holy shit all kinds of funny stuff happened, but I cant remember it all.

I'm still bleeding, it's been an hour, is that normal? It was fun, regardless.

haha.

I am sleepy, and Summerland will be on soon.

Miss you all.

9:01pm: i'll stand back up
I want you to read these lyrics.

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
I'm Only human, but aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when i say,

I will stand back up,
Youll know just the moment when ive have enough,
Sometimes im afraid, and i dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than youd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
Theres a light that just wont let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up,

I've weathered all these storms,
But i just turn them into wind, so i can fly,
What dont kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
Thats when I'll just give up,

So, go ahead to take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you cant keep me down,

'Cause I'll stand back up,
And you'll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes im afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

Youll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.


i was driving down route 84, 20 minutes from home, when i heard this song for the first time last night. i can sing it word for word with no music, now. i haven't listened to anything else. i am in love with this song. the line that says i've weathered all these storms, but i just turn them in to wind so i can fly amazes me. I love it.

Kellee, i love love love love love you.

i love you all.

7:40pm: mewithoutyou
I am listening to mewithoutyou it's been ages.

I just re-read my entire livejournal in the past hour. Wow. I really wish I hadn't. I could remember some of those nights like they were yesterday, I could even remember the pain. I know it's early in my life to look back and think, wow, i had a lot of rough times. I have been through a lot, and I am still going, that's amazing.

I could probably have built a river with all the tears i've cried. (No Justin Timberlake Pun intended). I can't remember the last time I've cried. I don't cry on the outside anymore. I have come to tears when leaving Jasons house a few times, but otherwise, I have not cried in a long time. I don't really understand why, I must have used all of the tears up.

It's amazing what a few years can do for you. I have grown so incredibly much. The things that used to bother me, do not, and the things that should, are not intense enough to cause a rise out of me. I am numb in a way, but it's a comfortable numb.

God has granted me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It's an important lesson to learn. I have also accepted that I do not need a reason to be angry with god. When I am at a loss, or in a funk, or feeling pain or heartache, I reserve the right to question whatever I choose to. I reserve the right to regret what I've questioned, and I reserve the right to love and have faith again.

I have to go, I need some Kmart action!

I love you.

12:12pm: she's a man eaterr
Gooood Morning everyone. It's Saturday, which is a blessing. I hate my job so much these days, that I'm a dreadful person until saturday. My boss is the worst human being ever.


I am working PT at Spencers again, I have towork tonight, which Sucks, because Jason and I aren't seeing eachother as often as we used to, now that I'm at my mums, and we'd actually have a chance tonight, and now we can't, because I work til 9, and he starts work at 10. It's so frustrating. Our schedules clash so badly, and all I want is to be with him. I hugged him for the first time in 5 days last night, and my knees buckled.

I am so in love with him, it's a harsh punishment to be without all week.

I had nothing to write about, but wanted to say hello anyway! I'm glad Simone figured out her living situation, that's for sure. Not knowing where you'll live is frustrating and a bit scary, too.

Well, I'll write more later.

Love, Em

3:12pm: word up from brooklyn
I just typed a really long comment in Kellees LJ, that I should have cut and paste for my entry, but ah well.

I am at my parents, I just brought a load of stuff over..yes, I am moving back to my parents house. Silly, eh?

This is by no fault of my own, my wacky old landlady has decided that she would like the apartment for her grandson who is coming home from Florida State U. At first I was like *gasp* Indian Giver. Then I realized, when I am a Grandma, I will probably kick some strange girl out of my apartment for my grandkids, too. I told Jason now may be the time for us to discuss our future, being that I will be homeless in two weeks, and he decided he is not ready..which also did not make me mad. For some reason I am comfortably numb to the entire situation. In this small pit of my stomache, I am relieved and happy to be coming home.

The real world is a lot harder than anyone ever expects, that is for sure. Nothing will age you, like living on your own. I look old! Oh well, all is semi-well, and it is almost valentines day.

I will be 20 this year, which means Kellee will be 21..eek party time!

I have been 21 since I was 15 pretty much anyway, but oh well.

I am re-downloading aim (afreshcutflower) as we speak, and I will be using LJ more frequently now, also.

I hope all is well for my friends out there. I love thee.

Love, Em

3:10pm: so sick so sick of being tired
and oh so tired of being sick.

i am so discouraged. i have been sick for so long, that i can't find the light at the end of my tunnel, i have spent hundreds of dollars in co-pays at the doctors, and even more on antibiotics which do not work. my diagnosis on wednesday was that i am 'antibiotic intollerant' which they assured me is the worst thing to be, because infections will just sit. i have had this sinus/viral infection off and on since august.

i saw three different specialists on friday, and my cat scans will not show any help, because everything is covered in infection, you just see big black holes of infection in my sinuses, ears, throat, chest... so i have to wait, get more pictures done on the 16th of February, in which they will probably operate on my sinuses... blach blech, blarg.

i have missed work, had to pay doctors, and am still feeling absolutely miserable. i'm spending a few days at my moms for some TLC.

anyone have any home-remedies? i'm in need!

miss you. love.

8:52pm: hello again, to all my friends
i'm glad you came to play, our fun and learning never ends, here's what we did today! i love barney... (i am apparently spending too much time with children, lol.)

In the year 2005 I resolve to: Stop smoking pot by taking up crack instead. Get your resolution here

that's awesome. i do intend to make the resolution come true. not really.

anyway, all is well in 2005. i am at my parents house, they are painting, it smells good, haha. (maybe i AM doing crack). i wish i could move in with jason already, and have internet access.... i am craving my old junkie ways.

i do miss you, yes i do.

kellee, i tried to leave you a note. i want to come to fiji too.. it says i am not your friend anymore--what a depressing thought.

so since i've been out of the loop, i hear people talking about 'my space' apparently it's all the rage now... is LJ out?

this update is worthless. i guess all i need to say is, happy new year, may your year be prosperous, healthy, and happy as mine is.

god bless. stay strong. im out.

em

9:34am: my new journal is:

recycled_heart

add me, if you'd like me to add you back. xoxo.

6:30pm: from now on, friends only

11:59am: september 11th
I still remember the day 2 years ago, as if it were yesterday. My school basically came to a hault, we're always precaucious, as we're the largest highschool in Ohio. I left early, and I remember talking to Hayley online.. we were worried about "ben" or Nicolette, and she informed us she could see the smoke from her house, when she got online. I just remember the awful clenching feeling in my stomache, and how horrible it was. I can recall what I wore that day, what classes I was in when I found out, who was with me, what was said.. it's weird..

That's not what this entry is for though,

Please click this Link. Just find a name, and read about it. It's not too much to ask, today.

(Thanks Stephanie.)

I love you all, and I think it's a lot easier for me to say that, now.

5:17pm: maybe i'm crazy, but lightning might strike me tonight
i admire your strength.
you keep us going on.
you keep us fighting long after the fire.

ehhh. i'm just really tired, i had all of 2 hours of sleep before i worked for 8 hours. Andy and I got in a fight last night, which ultimately ended up in us deciding it would be best if we didn't talk anymore, and I stick to my decisions, and know that I said some hurtful things, and don't feel bad.. I just.. fucking hate the Dierks Bentley Message Boards, and how everyone their thinsk they're god.. it literally makes me not even like Dierks anymore.. I hate to admit it, but I don't even listen to the cd anymore, because it makes me think of those fucking elitist "think they're better than everyone" assholes.. ughhhh.

Wow, that was not the direction I had intended to take with this post.

would i be whining if i said i needed a hug
it's so strange, to be the only person left here. to be the remains of what was once a group, to be voted "most likely to succeed" and watch everyone succeeding infront of you. every night is the same. i come home from work, and go online. i go out with jason here and there, but it's not the same. i miss my friends. we should have known that most likely to succeed, meant, "person with the most money". so i work 2 part time jobs, making barely enough, and put off doctors appointments for weeks because i have to pay insurance, and get sicker. it's all this redundant waste of oxygen.

sometimes i don't want to wake up. then i realize i am just trying to make it on my own, and going through the same things that other people go through while trying to make it on their own. i just wish i could be sixteen again, when my mum would give me money here and there to make ends meet.. why is she watching me fall? it's not teaching me anything but heartache.

so i'll go sleep. forever? i'm not that lucky.

9:09pm: livejournal is sho purdy!
\\begin boringness

I was at Hayleys livejournal, clicked Info, and BAM, Livejournal was new and pretty and BLUE. Exciting. (Easily amused, much?)

So Lindsey tells me I need to update, on account that it's a new month--okay, livejournal police, my agreement upon registering included no time period ;). But yes, livejournal police is MUCH better than fun police on dierks board, Linds.. okay, anything is funner than that middle-aged annoying women and pre-pubescant teen, trap! And don't forget linds, none of them EVER drank before they turned 21--yeah, and my ass fits in a size 0.

Speaking of.. I love Stephanies idea, for gaining 3 pounds a day, as opposed to striving to lose weight--she's so correct, why don't we just set a goal that is achievable. Although, I am in 2 sizes smaller than I was when I ordered my cap and gown back in February, woot.

So I just watched the kickoff to the first football game of the season, and the game is on in the background, but that's not what I want to talk about, sure, football is great, but music is better, so let's discuss that musical score before the show..

BRITNEY SPEARS SHOULD BE MURDERED. As if it wasn't evident enough that she was lip synching, she wasn't even dancing that great, and she is all into the lesbian thing dancing up on girls (kissing madonna wasn't enough, i suppose). Her new song was like shoving needles into my eyeballs.. ugh.. horrible.

Also, Mary J. Blige has a very powerful voice, but I didn't like her new songs that she sang, OR her outfit, Good Charlotte did mediocre, atleast they were actually singing!

Aerosmith kicked massive amounts of ass like they always do.. Steven Tyler looked like he got a face lift or something.. hmm..weird.. anyway, they were really good, and I just will never stop loving them.. Aretha Franklin did okay at the National Anthem.. I loved how they had the troops introduce the bands, and they all seemed so excited. The guy who introduced Britney was SO CUTE, he was so happy to be home and in America, and ah it was so nice.

Who else to start the season of football by saying "Are you ready for some football" other than Dubya? Weird. It was still nice though. Very patriotic, and football and patriotism just seem to go together.. pride.

I love how I'm so mentally and emotionally confused and messed up right now, so when I go to my livejournal, I talk about football, music, and the dierks bentley message board (Which makes me want to drill stakes into my heart.. :( i miss buffy) I am so completely random tonight..

Oh, So I hate Amish People. Why do I not feel bad saying that? Because the dumbasses can't use computers. Stephanie had an article in her LJ about a Man on trial for Killing and Amish Man--well the Amish Man had been firing tomatoes and paintballs at passing cars repeatedly for a long period of time, so this man just fired shots out into the field, and one man died... which sure, was wrong.. but the amish wont get in trouble for vandalising cars at all.. why the fuck are they so above the common law? Their law consists of the elders of their church, it's so rediculous. Ugh. I hate them, and I can't wait to move to the city where I'll never be stuck behind a god damn buggy again.

Anyway, I am back from vacation, and as many times as I told you on the phone while I was gone, that I was having a good time--I lied. It was not a good time, I was insulted by my family the entire time, and they made me feel so small that I thought I'd never be able to smile again, I felt like I had to watch my back constantly, and their cat had fleas, so my legs are eaten alive. It was shitty, and I spent too much money, and I wish I had just stayed home. Remind me that next time I say I need to get out of here or I'll die.. here is where I'm safe.
( more ramblings you don't care about to follow )

11:38pm: everythings gonna be alright
fourteen degrees of seperation.

1. listening to jordaan sing. <3.
2. packing for 10 days away.
3. talking to emily on the phone.
4. wishing it were 15 hours in the future.
5. hoping lindsey is enjoying talking to brian.
6. wishing i had been here to tell olivia happy birthday.
7. thinking kellees family should lay off. (mine, too.)
8. listening to straylight run, now.
9. wishing my cold sore was gone.
10. glad i am not drunk for the first time on a saturday night.
11. smelling warm vanilla sugar candles from b&b.
12. hoping stephanie, jeri, shanna, and shannon are having a GREAT time.
13. jealous that i'm not out with stephanie, jeri, shanna and shannon!
14. missing you all. see you in 10 days.

11:21pm: sex kills
I just don't understand people. The one friend that I have, who is not leaving for college just yet, as she is JUST entering her senior year, as opposed to graduating with the rest of us, is pregnant.

She is 20 weeks pregnant, and has known since she was FOUR weeks pregnant. She could have done something about this a LONG time ago. I do not agree with having an abortion just because you're not ready to have a kid, at the same time I know she wouldn't have been able to provide a good lifestyle for this child. But knowing all of that, she should have told her parents 16 weeks ago, and had the abortion 16 weeks ago.

Well here we are, 16 weeks later, and she just kept ignoring it. She went about her summer as usual, drinking, smoking, running around like crazy. I should have stopped it. I wish I had.

She told her parents today. They took her to have an ultrasound, and set an appointment for an abortion on TUESDAY. She is TWENTY weeks pregnant... she will have to deliver it, since she is so far along. THAT MEANS THIS IS A PERSON.. five months into a pregnancy, a DOCTOR is going to KILL this baby, and then deliver it. Is that even legal? If so, HOW is this legal? I can not believe it. I was disgusted, and I just cried when she told me. I could have stopped this, I just can't believe how much respect I've lost for her... GOD. Her parents said "There is no way you're having this baby" and then they GROUNDED her.. she is upset about being GROUNDED, not killing the baby that is growing inside of her because of the unprotected sex SHE had.

I'm so disgusted. I really hate people, sometimes.

In other news, I had to get gas today.. it was 1.79.. what the fuck is that all about? The economy is shitty.

Got in a fight with my brother, ugh.. we were getting along very well lately--must've been doomed from the get-go, because today was a lame fight and I hate having people mad at me, even though it's ME who should be mad.. ah well.

My plane leaves on Sunday, and I can kiss all this horse shit goodbye for ten days.

12:30am: please dont tell me it's just a part of life
Because I already fucking know that.

It doesn't make it any easier.

I woke up at 1:30 a.m. on Monday Night/Tuesday Morning.. and I left to go find the Dierks Bentley cd.. I never came home.

I found it, and I listened to it, and I cried and I felt so unwhole, and so empty, and I hated who I was, and I knew that something had to be done. I went and I saw Apryl, (She was moving Tuesday morning). I just drove.. and I drove some more.

I spent a day with Amanda, and she moved today.. I went and I spent a day with Emily, ands he moves tomorrow.. all of my best friends, they're just GONE.. And I'm staying here, and it's not fair, I worked so hard and I tried so hard and in the end, none of that mattered because here I sit, alone, and worthless. IT FUCKING KILLS..

Intelligence, hardwork and effort, and energy do not matter in highschool, MONEY.. MONEY MATTERS, WEALTH.. that's all that fucking matters, because in the end, without money, you're nobody.

So I will work two jobs, 12 hours a day, every single day, and barely get by paying my rent and car insurance and cell phone bill, and go hungry, and lonely.

There was never much hope for me anyway. Why pretend now.

And don't tell me that this is all a part of growing up, and don't tell me that goodbyes are a part of saying hello, and don't feed me some "things will get better bull shit" because be it true or not, right now, I just want you to know that it hurts.

I hate goodbyes. I hate them, and it seems to be the only word that has escaped my mouth this week.

12:09pm: whiskey tears are falling here
and each one calls your name.

It was about 4:11 p.m. on Thursday, when I was about to walk out the house, to go to Cassie's. I went to press eject on the cd player to get my Dierks Bentley single that he could sign it at the meet and greet, and the power went out. I was annoyed, but figured I'd just take the case and he could sign the jacket.

My mum asked me to wait for my Dad to get home, so she wouldn't be home alone bored and whatnot, so I waited and my dad informed me that it was a widespread blackout.

I couldn't get any radio signal, and all I could worry about was the CONCERT.. DIERKS FREAKING BENTLEY. So, I got mad and sat around and called Cassie, she said that the city was in chaos, accidents everywhere, widespread pandemonium.. well I assumed the concert was cancelled, and decided to be pissy.

I FINALLY got ahold of the radio station and they said the show would go on, by generator. I was so freaking happy, so I left, and their really WAS widespread pandemonium, i saw signs that said "Judgement day came early, are you prepared for hell?" and all sorts of scary shit, it was like RIGHT OUT OF A MOVIE.. People in accidents all over and just.. wickedness.

I went and picked up Cassie and Jill, and we went to the bar! It was so freaking dark in the bar, and their were candles and flashlights lighting it, Dierks was on Sound Check when we got there.. it was cool, though. Then their was a DJ, and we started line dancing, hahaha it was so funny. I got served, I dont know if it was just because the power was out so they just didnt give a shit, or because we looked 21, but who cares, I got served! So I was half-way gone, and dancing like a FOOL on the dance floor. It was too funny, I met these guys who proceeded to buy me a jaeger bomb and a few shots (i think they had ulterior motives, haha) and then Lawless, the opening band played--they were alright.

THEN DIERKS! AHHH. He was sooo amazing, and it was 115 degrees in the bar (no exagerations) and they lit the place by candlelight, the generators only had enough to power the instruments, and that was great. Dierks was sweating so badly, I felt so awful, because he was working his ass off on stage for us. I have never sweat so much in my whole life.. and had so much fun, at the same time.

It was TRULY the BEST show, ever. I will never forget the day the power went out across the east coast. That's for damn sure..so I met Dierks after the show and he asked how I knew all of the words already, and I told him I was on the boards and about the last show, and he knew my username on the boards, so it turns out he DOES read the boards all the time, LOL. He was so nice and we got a picture and he signed my cd, he's just so great.

The show was amazing, and I had the best time.


Dierks and Me



Jill, Cassie, and Me.

1:09am: sigh
Went to the bar with Jason tonight, had a good time, met up with Emily there, still, had an okay time. We were in the bathroom, after Jason had some drunken schpeel about he and I remaining friends (can i get a DUH?), and she said "jason's not really your type" and i said "I completely agree, i dont WANT to be more than friends with him, he just wants to get drunk and fuck..and that's all fine and dandy, but anyway, you know who IS my type?" and she said who and I answered. She says "my ex boyfriend?" and I nodded.

No akward silence, no taken-back glances, nothing at all--just "Dude, go for it! You two DO have a lot in common, and it's not like he and I were engaged, we dated for less than a month, and only broke up because we had nothing in common, he's a good guy, go for it"...

AKWARD SILENCE. I couldn't believe she was just giving me the go-ahead.

Soooooooo.. He's coming with me to the Dierks Bentley concert tonight. YAY FOR DIERKS, and I think I'm just gonna let it all out, tell him how I feel..

Wish me luck.

9:21pm: why do i always pretend i can spoon a guy and still be his friend
Dolly Parton was really smart when she said it's not my head that's broken, it's my heart.

Things are just sooo weird right now.
I always take my old best friend Emily's Sloppy Seconds.
I really liked Bob, for like what, 3 weeks.. he was her ex of 6 Months!

Dave was my friend, and I hooked them up, and now he and I are still friends even though they broke up after 7 months, and I feel bad still being his friend..

but NOW.. with Craig... oh gosh it's just so weird. I really like him, and we're getting together next weekend, and I feel like I should ask emily's permission and he and her only dated for ONE MONTH, and her and I aren't even the best of friends anymore.. so I don't know why I feel so guilty, but I do. I cant help it though, he and I had more in common than him and her from the start, and now whenever we chat I just can't HELP it.. I'm falling... and he wants to catch me...and I want to let him.

I have that familiar ache in my heart, the good ache, where you can't wait for it to stop aching and feel good, but you're in the unsure stage where you're not sure if it's going to happen, or if it's allowable to happen.. gah. I want it to happen, I need it to happen.

Whydya have to go and make things so complicated--HAHA. Ahem.

It's a little bit funny--this feeling inside, i'm not one of those who can easily hide.. i dont have much money, but boy if I did, i'd buy a big house where we both could live!

12:03am: effing rediculous
I always see Livvy post about Age Limited shows, and I couldn't imagine what not being 17 and having those age limits was like.. it is so effing stupid to have age limits on shows..

Well now here I am 18, shouldn't have to worry about it all, and the effing show is 21+. WHAT THE EFF! I am so pisssed. So effing pissed. I'm doing all I can to fix it, because I've done nothing but promote dierks bentley since the day he came out, and I've done nothing but vote every station on the internet basically, in every state, even though i'll never here them.. I go to stations in OMAHA and vote for dierks online, just for him to gain recognition.. and here I am, unable to attend his concert next week because i'm only 18? That's just plaiN FUCKING rediculous.

I could shoot someone.

5:34pm: Warped tour tomorrow!!!

ROBERT called me! I dont even effing know him, I have NEVER met him, but I kept turning Emily and Matt down when they said they'd pay for me, and then Robert said he doesnt wanna be a third wheel so pleaaassee come, SO I'M GOING!

IM SO EFFING EXCITED!

9:22pm: you took what you need | i am still breathing
It was nothing extreme for you, but it was everything for me. You're such a no where man who'd never understand, and from the very moment that you hurt me, I realized you really don't deserve me. I don't understand how you can just SAY those things, and then go about your life with somebody else. How do you tell someone you love them and that you made a mistake by not realizing it a long time ago, and then finish your cheeseburger like you were talking about the current weather conditions? I don't understand you and I never will. What I will do, though, is care about you. I care about you with everything I have, and I always will. It's so convenient for you to have feelings and tell me them, and have me return them, and then return to your home, with your girlfriend in your bed, and your clothes on the floor, reaping the joy of her skinny body and long curly hair. Between the sheets your having sex. You're not making love, because if you were making love, you'd be with me. You'd be with the person that you love. So have your sex, and your fucks, and your cliche life. Have your "scene" life, and impress the boys with your skinny pretty girlfriend. But don't expect me to keep picking you up while you're down. I'm done here. You can love me all you want, but until you stop fucking her, you can't have love from me. Yet you do.. you have my love, and you always will. I fucking hate you.